Jasper's Musings
by Cullen86ers
Summary: What follows are the random musings of one Jasper Whitlock Hale. These are little snip-its of the random things Jasper may be thinking at any time. Rated M because a southern boy loves to cuss!
1. Intro

Introduction – Lucy You Got Some 'Splainin To Do!

What follows are the random musings of one Jasper Whitlock Hale. These are little snip-its of the random things Jasper may be thinking at any time. They are never dated and probably will never reference any specific time. They may be rated anywhere from K to M depending upon Jasper's mood. Whatever Jasper feels like sharing with the class will be found here. Let's just call this Jasper's therapy. Whenever he needs an outlet for whatever is in his head and Alice isn't around for a nice M rated romp (to be detailed later in the retelling in "Learning to Love") he comes here and spills his adorable, lovable, tortured guts!

This is craziness concocted in Jo's head. I would hate for people to give me some kind of credit for this. Or to come after me in angry mobs if you hate it. - Jasper Cullen

This is the influence I have on my beloved little cousin Jo. - Emmett Cullen

Jo and I love Jasper so much and whenever I need a laugh she comes up with some random "Jasper Musing." I enjoy them so much I have encouraged her to share them here. After "Learning to Love" got so much love she decided to "let 'er rip" and post this as well. I hope you enjoy Jasper's Random Musings as much as I do. - Alice Cullen


	2. Why I Love Shit Kickers

A/N – I don't own Jasper, Stephanie Meyer does – Although I did e-mail her and ask if I could spend an afternoon with him in his shit kickers. (Still haven't heard back)

Oh! This is a little Manifesto - if you will - that Jasper wrote when he was board one day.

Why I Love Shit Kickers

Because they are comfortable

Because they are functional

Because I love saying "Shit kickers"

Because they make my chicken legs look bigger, at least at the bottom, under my jeans

Because they look great with wranglers – and Alice loves me in wranglers

Because I was wearing some when I met Alice

Because Alice likes when I wear them

Because Alice especially likes when I wear them in conjunction with calling her "Darlin"

Because Alice says it gives her an excuse to call me "Cowboy" and I love the look on her face when she says that.

Because people don't fuck with a man in shit kickers!

Because it reminds me – a little – of my human life

Because my Daddy gave me my first pair when I was eleven

Because my Mama always said a real man wears shit kickers

Because it drives Alice wild when I wear tight wranglers commando – and what goes better with that then shit kickers?

Because although Alice is the only woman for me – and is quite enough woman for any man – I am STILL a MAN and it drives MOST women I've ever met wild when I wear tight wranglers and shit kickers.

Because Alice says it's hot when I wear nothing but my boxers and shit kickers.

Because Alice says it's hot when I wear nothing but my shit kickers

Because nothing is more comfortable than an old worn pair of shit kickers

Because recent science has said there is nothing better for your feet than shit kickers – and humans worry about that kind of thing.

BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKS WITH A VAMPIRE IN SHIT KICKERS!


	3. 10 Things I Hate About Emmett

10 Things I Hate About Emmett

He's really stupid... on purpose

He's annoying

I know what he's hiding behind all that laughter and I can't tell anyone

He could kill me by sitting on me... really hard

He is WAY too open about his relationship with Rosalie

He doesn't know the meaning of "over-share"

He is almost constantly horney – in fact he has two emotions 1) Horney 2) Not as Horney

He's a meat head – probably because he's alway thinks with his dick

He has some of the dumbest ideas

He yanks off EVERY time Rosalie leaves the house for more than 5 hours


	4. 10 things I Hate About Edward

10 Thinks I Hate About Edward

His damn ability to always know when I'm thinking about Alice – and he always gets that shit eating grin on his face

His damn ability to know when I'm beating myself up – and he doesn't fucking understand why sometimes I just have to

The way all the girls in every room he walks into seem to radiate lust in 0.00000001 seconds

Because he is "listening" to this right now – and there is the shit eating grin again

Because he makes the most hideous noises when he yanks it off – take that Edward!

Because it is so easy to make him try to block your thoughts - so why the hell doesn't he do that to begin with?

Because he IS good at everything – what the fuck is up with that?

Because I don't get why his emotions go to panic mode anytime someone says he needs a girl!

Because he really does hate himself so much

Because he freaks out about EVERYTHING!


	5. 10 Things I Hate About Jasper Whitlock

**I do not own Jasper... never will. Stephanie Meyer has taken a life long permanent hold on him. But I love him anyway and I understand his pain.**

**10 Things I Hate About Jasper Whitlock **

That's right I'm writing about me now! If I want to refer to myself in the third person to make hating myself more convenient I will.

Jasper is a fuck up!

Jasper is entirely inhumane!

Jasper killed so many fucking people, it ain't even funny anymore!

Jasper continually does stupid things that end up hurting Alice!

Jasper acts like a fucking newborn whenever people are around and Alice is not!

Jasper is nowhere near the man Alice deserves – no matter what she says… everyday… several times a day!

Jasper is a coward that uses Alice's physical absence from a situation as an excuse for why he fucked up… AGAIN!

Jasper went off and scared the shit out of him Mama when he wasn't even old enough to fight yet by running off all half cocked and fighting against those damn Yankees!

Jasper seems to have no way of controlling himself – no matter how hard he tries he still fucks up!

Because it took me 100 years to walk away.


	6. 100 Reasons Why I Love Alice

100 Reason Why I Love Alice

Because she loves me

Because she doesn't care that I hate myself

Because she doesn't care that I feel like I deserve for everyone to hate me

Because she believes I am a better man than I am

Because she believes that the stupid things I do aren't my fault

Because nothing in the world could make her stop loving me

Because she thinks I'm hot – even with all my scars

Because she doesn't even see my scars

Because no matter how much I hate myself she will never hate me

Because she is always thinking about things that will make me happy

Because she is always thinking about things that will make my life easier

Because her just existing makes my existence easier

Because her loving me makes my existence even easier

Because she is the most excitable creature in the world – and it's so cute when she's excited

Because she has the most genuine emotions I have ever felt from anyone

Because she stands up for me even when she shouldn't

Because every now and again she convinces me for a split second that I deserve love

Because every now and again she convinces me for a split second that I'm not a total fuck up

Because she loves me even more – somehow – when I deserve it the least

Because she keeps me grounded

Because she makes it so much easier to not kill people

Because she's stopped me on more than one occasion from killing people

Because she gives me a reason to exist

Because she makes every single day the best day I have ever had

Because she makes me smile when no one else can

Because she believes in me

Because she truly believes that one day I won't be as weak about humans as I am now

Because she makes me feel safe

Because she is the only person I could ever let witness one of my flashbacks – and she never gets scared or worried… she just loves me

Because she always says the right thing

Because she always does the right thing

Because she always knows what to do to calm me down

Because she let me drag her to all the major civil war battle fields and listened to me ramble on about the people I knew who died there and never once had one negative emotion about it

Because although I claim I hate it she lets me go shopping with her and hold her purse while she tries on clothes – because I love to see my Alice happy

Because she never makes me feel bad for feeling possessive of her

Because it actually turns her on when I growl that she is mine in her ear

Because she said yes

Because she really did marry me

Because she never has to tell me how much she loves me - she wears that emotion on her sleeve

Because she seems to love me more everyday

Because she loves me more even on the days I do something stupid

Because there is nothing that makes me happier than to see her face

Because there is nothing more beautiful than her face

Because there is nothing as beautiful as her eyes

Because there is nothing more beautiful than her smile

Because there is nothing more beautiful than her hands

Because there is nothing more beautiful Alice

Because she isn't afraid of me – ever

Because she was never afraid to touch me

Because she touches me every chance she gets

Because she seems to understand my need to be touched to feel her love more

Because her hands are so damned soft

Because she never tries to control me

Because she only tries to control me in bed – sometimes

Because she never tries to change me

Because she takes care of buying all my clothes so I can spend my mental energies on other – more interesting – things

Because she brought us to the Cullen's

Because she gives the best hugs

Because she never tries to fix me

Because when I've been a "good boy" she grabs my butt when she hugs me

Because she knows how much I just want to be the man she deserves

Because she believes I am the kind of man she deserves

Because she knows how much I just want to be the world's best husband to her

Because she lets me dance with her in our bedroom whenever I want

Because if I've been a "good boy" that dancing leads to other fun things

Because according to her I am almost ALWAYS a "good boy"

Because if I'm having a hard time at school she skips class with me and tells me what I good boy I've been

Because if I'm having a hard time at school she skips class with me and "rewards" me for being a good boy

Because it's really cute when she says, "You've been such a good boy"

Because when she says I've been a good boy she plays with my hair – and it feels good

Because no matter what she is doing she puts me before herself

Because she just wants me to be happy

Because she lets me love her any time I want

Because she lets me touch her any time I want

Because she never tells me I can't touch her

Because on our Anniversary every year she sneaks us out of the house and I get to spend the whole day away from humans and anyone who isn't her

Because she acts surprised when I give her presents

Because I can tell her anything

Because she doesn't get upset when I tell her things that are ugly

Because she never gets upset when I do things that are ugly

Because when she touches my face it still makes my toes curl

Because when she smiles at me it feels like the first time I ever saw her

Because she understands my need to be in pain sometimes

Because she understands that I just need to be mad at myself sometimes

Because she likes when I act like a southern gentleman

Because she lets me open doors for her

Because she lets me pull chairs out for her

Because she doesn't care when I do old fashioned things for her

Because she thinks it's cute when I act old fashioned

Because she laughs when I say "I feel old? Do I look old to you?"

Because she laughs when I say "Do you think I was born yesterday?"

Because she laughs when I say "My butt looks big in these jeans!"

Because she always grabs my butt and says it's her favorite hand warmer in the world when I say "My butt looks big in these jeans!"

Because she laughs at my stupid jokes

Because she wore a hoop skirt that one time because I told her I thought they were very attractive on women – we both agreed it wasn't her best look and burned the thing

Because she let me burn the afore mentioned hoop skirt

Because when the power goes out she lets me take her to our room and sing on her ear while we dance

Because when the power goes out she lets me make love to her by candlelight – even if it's the middle of the day

Because she is the strongest woman I have ever met

Because she is Alice


	7. My Ali Is Gone

**A/N – I know I have updated this story a few more times than "Learning to Love" this week. I'm having a lot of fun coming up with Jasper's random thoughts and it is mildly therapeutic for me. It seems that the more I write his random thoughts the more my random thoughts morph into a random thought Jasper might have. So the creative juices are flowing over here. I PROMISE I am working on "Learning to Love" and this next chapter – hopefully – will be a big bang. **

**Just as a preview of sorts it has taken just over 4 pages to cover their first 15 minutes on the hunt! I promise Jasper and Alice are having fun! **

**There is a song I was listening to that seemed to inspire a lot of this chapter. Remember I'm a music nerd and don't make fun of me. The song for this entry is "She Goes All The Way" by Rascal Flatts. If you've never heard it I recommend you give it a listen while you read this and get a little deeper into Jasper's head. - Jo**

**I don't own any of these characters – Stephanie Meyer does.**

**My Ali is Gone**

Alice left on a girl's only hunting trip this morning. All the girls in the house ran out sometime after sun up. I really hate to see her go but I know she will enjoy herself and I know it really is a necessity. I'd hate to see her suffer in any way because I made her stay behind. She'll be gone all weekend. Time seems to be ticking by at an ever slowing pace. Emmett can't handle being apart from Rosalie, as usual. So he's locked himself in their room – I'll give no more details other than to say EEEEEWWWWW!!!!! Edward couldn't handle his thoughts any longer so he left to go hunting on his own. We'll see if he feels guilty when he comes home – maybe he's doing more than hunting out there. Carlisle – of course – chose to pass the time without Esme by taking on back to back shifts at the hospital. He won't be back until shortly before the girls are. So that leaves me here. Alone. With Emmett. YUCK! Couldn't he at least be a little quieter about it?! His levels of lust are not helping my missing Alice in the slightest. It is forcing my mind to go places I don't want it to go. If it continues to go in this direction I may naturally combust before my Alice gets back and then all the thoughts running through my head at this moment will be impossible. DAMN YOU TO HELL EMMETT CULLEN! I'm trying very hard to be a gentleman here but I am beginning to lose my mind. I would like to say I hate Emmett Cullen because he is insatiable. Does it NEVER END?! How can he just keep at it like that? Don't sprain anything important there Em. I would also like to say that I hate Edward Cullen because he left me here alone with that fucker upstairs – when I asked if I could go with he said he needed some time alone. He ran out before I could register his emotions so he may be doing more than hunting after all.

Alice. My Alice. Thanks to Emmett's lust all I can think about clearly in my powerful vampire brain is Alice. Alice's hands. Her soft, gentle, warm, loving hands. I like when they are on me. I like when they are on my chest. I like how it feels when she rubs them all over my chest… especially when she gently teases my nipples each time she passes them. Then when I start panting and pulling her closer to me she looks up at me with the most innocent expression and says "What?" Her emotions always give her away though.

God I love when her hands are all over me, everywhere. I love when she touches my leg. It's usually in the most casual way. When I'm sitting on the couch reading a book she'll come sit next to me and put her hand just above my knee. The bolt of lightning that shoots up my leg from that spot is so delightful. She knows it gets my attention and sometimes that's enough. She just wants me to have some physical contact with her. She knows how that makes my ability stronger. I love her for knowing. There are some members of this family that don't know that little fact, which is probably a good thing because it could be used for evil I suppose. Other times she wants more. Sometimes she rubs her fingers along the inside of my leg – still just above my knee. It slowly drives me crazy. It makes me forget what I just read. It makes it 100 times harder to concentrate. Even with vampire perfect recall I have to read a sentence five times before I have the vaguest idea what it says. I love when she does that to me. It's a slow and loving torture I would take any time.

There is a no more common human gesture than her holding my hand. It's one of the few things we can get away with at school. I love how her hands feel so soft and warm in mine, yet still so strong and comforting. Her hands always make me feel safe and protected. As long as I have her hand in mine I have all the self-control of even Edward or Carlisle. She is so much smaller than me. Her hands are no exception. Her hand fits so perfectly in mine. I can close my hand around hers and her entire hand and part of her wrist disappear inside my hand. It makes me feel strong and protecting and caring just thinking about it. She says it's how she sees everything about me. She says it is the physical representation of how I care for her emotionally and physically. Sometimes when we are walking across a room she feels like dancing. I don't understand that one bit. She always wants me to twirl her. As long as I can keep holding her hand I'll give her whatever she wants. I love the look on her face when she does. It's so full of love. She has learned to manipulate her hand in mine. If she allows her wrist to slip from my hand – an imperceptible change to anyone else – she can pull off some of the sweetest torture I have ever felt. Although I do feel a little self-conscious walking around school – or anywhere else we may be when she does this – with the world's worst hard-on, but most of my brain doesn't care because it's Alice. My Alice. She can slip her tiny little hand out of mine just the slightest and run the illegally soft tips of her fingers along the very center of my palm ever so lightly. She knows not to do it while I'm driving, because instantly all my attention is hers. I have to admit it is a great way to pass the time in boring classes.

I like when her hands are in my hair. Okay I lied. I LOVE when her hands are in my hair. It has to be the most soothing feeling in the world. Somehow she can make all my inequities dissolve just with that simple gesture. She has the amazing power to make it mean so many different things. When I'm busy hating myself she can sneak in on me and rub my head and it makes me think more about loving her and a lot less about hating myself. She can also use that contact to push all of her love and adoration for me into my brain. Sometimes I can be real idiot. She can make it the most sensual gesture – if she is so inclined. When I am kissing her and she wraps her hands around my neck to pull me closer; she runs her hands higher into my hair and I can feel every ounce of desire she has for me in an instant. When I am making love to her and she wraps her hands in my hair. She can make my pleasure so much more by tugging on my hair as she loses all control. That just might be my favorite thing for her hands to be doing in that moment. Her hands are so soothing to my scalp I can't even describe it. Nothing is better. My mother used to rock me when I was really little, and it doesn't begin to compare. She used to send me some of my favorite of her baking confections when I was at war and wanted to come home, this is a million times better. Nothing makes me love her more, nothing makes me feel her long stronger, nothing makes me feel more complete than her hands in my hair.

Alice's hands can do some wicked and naughty things as well. I love when she sneaks up behind me while I'm pulling on my jeans and she slips her hands between them and my boxers on my butt. There is no feeling like her small, caring hands on my butt. She knows just how to drive me absolutely wild with just the slightest touch. I love when she hugs me and grabs my butt. It's amazing how the meaning of a hug can change so much with just the simplest of gestures… the simplest grab. She's never harsh or mean about it. She has the most loving hands; I don't think they are capable of being harsh. They are always so loving as she rubs my butt and whispers in my ear all the other naughty things she would like to do to me. I love when she slips her hand down my back into my boxers as I'm kissing her in the closet when we change = which is often because she always seems to have new clothes for us. I love the feeling of her soft skin against my most intimate skin. There is nothing like the love I feel from her as she does that. It's pretty entertaining – not to mention the most amazing feeling – when she slips her hands inside the back of my jeans and finds that I have been a very bad boy not worn boxers at all. The look on her face is almost as priceless as the way her hand squeezes my butt possessively or her emotions in that moment. If I close my eyes and put my head back against the back of the couch here I can almost feel her hand there now. It is so much easier for her to feel my emotions from a distance because we are so close. I can't get enough of when I am unknowingly broadcasting my emotions to her while I am in the shower and thinking of her in ways that are not so gentlemanly. She has this way of sneaking into the shower and pushing me against the wall of the shower and grabbing my butt in the most suggestive of ways. It only gets better when she asks me, "Whatchya gonna do about it cowboy?" and gives my butt a little tighter squeeze. God I love that woman. God I miss her.

As if her hands don't wield enough power in my world there is still one way she touches me that could yet be the death of me. My favorite of her ploys is in my head now. The way I am sitting here. Alone. This is the time of day I would normally choose to be laying in bed resting. Of course I can't sleep but sometimes it just feels nice to get to lie down and not think about anything and just let all your muscles relax out. I spent 100 years after my change constantly doing things – horrible things. Now I like to take some time to just relax. I have found the most comfortable way to do this is to strip down to my boxers and climb into bed. With such sensitive vampire skin I can feel the soft fibers of the sheets and the comforter. I can feel the soft give and support of the pillow under my head. If I concentrate on my breathing and nothing else enough I can almost feel like I am asleep. I can be so distracted and honed in on that one, useless action that she can sneak in on me and climb right into be next to me and I don't even register it. My attention focuses quite clearly, however, as soon as he warm little hand snakes down the front of my boxers and wraps around my length. It gets hard instantly in her hand. She always makes the loveliest sounds as she enjoys rubbing her hand all along me. There is nothing in the world that could make me allow her to stop in that moment. She never abuses this power over me that she wields but she does use it to make my world light up. In fact at some point in the process of her ministrations of this sort my world will light on fire and I have to have her. Other times if I am sitting alone somewhere – like now – she will come to me and pull me to our room or out to some secluded spot in the woods and before I can register where we are or why we are here my head will instinctively snap down to see her tiny little hand rubbing my most sensitive of intimate of skin. There is nothing like her hand on my length. There is nothing like her hand on me when she wants to me to make her mine… again.

Quite frankly there is nothing like Alice's hands… anywhere… anyplace… any time. There is nothing like Alice. My Alice. My. Alice. God I miss her. God I need her to come home.

Great! She's only been gone 20 minutes.


	8. Peanut Butter Soup

**Telling Stories**

Alice loves when I tell stories about my childhood and anything I can remember about being human. There is one thing I would like to share with all the humans out there. She thinks all food is gross – like the rest of us. Although since she has only seen more recent uses for some types of foods she thinks some of my favorite recipes are grosser than other foods.

**Case in Point: Peanut Butter Soup**

My mother used to make peanut butter soup for my sisters and I all the time. Even in the hot, sticky summers of Texas we loved our mother's peanut butter soup. It is actually really good. I know it sounds really gross, especially after you hear what is in it, but it's really good. If I had to choke down food for some reason I would want it to be this soup; or ice cream. My mother made the best ice cream too. But right now I'm talking about dinner here.

When I was away at war I would send letters home begging her to find a way to send me some of her amazing soup. Nothing made me feel better when I was feeling alone or home sick than her peanut butter soup! I'm tellin ya – Ya haven't lived until you've tried this stuff! Trust me I should know!

I did some digging at my old home once right after I left Maria. I found my mother's old recipe box. I couldn't imagine eating any of the things mentioned inside but I took this recipe because just thinking about it made me feel a little better about my situation. Now whenever I need some of my mama's lovin I just take out this old recipe card and it makes me feel so much better. Now I pass this recipe on to you.

**Mama Whitlock's Peanut Butter Soup**

3 cups Chicken Soup Stock or canned chicken broth

1 yellow onion, peeled and chopped

2 carrots, unpeeled and sliced

1/4 cup uncooked rice

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper or more to taste

1/2 cup peanut butter

In a big pot simmer the chicken stock, onion and carrots. Cover if possible and simmer for about 30 minutes. Chop the contents of the pot as small as possible and return to the pot. Add the rice, salt and cayenne pepper; cover if possible and simmer for another 20 minutes or until the rice is tender. Stir in the peanut butter and serve.

I had Esme look at the recipe and make it easier now that there is technology my Mama didn't have. These are her new directions.

In a 2-quart covered saucepan simmer the chicken stock, onion, and carrots, covered, for 30 minutes. Puree all in a blender or food processor and return to the pan. Add the rice, salt, and cayenne pepper; cover and simmer for an additional 20 minutes , or until the rice is tender. Stir in the peanut butter and serve.


	9. Why Emmett Should NEVER Have a Llama

**I don't own any of these characters – I just make you laugh at them.**

**This chapter of Jasper's mental randomness is dedicated to Icecoldhamster.**

* * *

**Why Emmett Cullen Should NEVER Have a Llama**

Because he can barely keep himself out of trouble, what on earth would he do with a llama?

Because the name Spike is the worst name I have ever herd for a llama!

Because he spends most of his time outside of school – and way too much inside of school – with Rosalie, the poor thing would be lonely.

Because dressing a llama up as a reindeer for Christmas is not fair to the llama.

Because although no one in Forks may notice the prescience of a llama, we won't always live here and those other people might.

Because I doubt llamas enjoy the weather in Alaska.

Because a llama cannot be turned into a vampire and will therefore die LONG before Emmett, and then we will have to hear him cry when the poor creature dies.

Because despite the above fact, Emmett will still try to turn it into a vampire – thus making the crying think happen sooner rather than later.

Because vampires are unable to actually cry, therefore when he needs to he will just run around screaming and breaking everything in sight. This should be prevented at all costs.

Because I don't think any llama will give Emmett a "piggy back ride."

Because I don't think any creature – Llama or otherwise – should have to endure Emmett being referred to as "Daddy."

Because llama's are not allowed in bed with him – by order of both Esme and Rosalie

Because llama's are not allowed in the house – by order of Esme

Because llama's are not allowed in his jeep – by order of Rosalie under pain of celibacy

Because I don't think Forks is zoned for llamas.

Because llamas are not allowed within a mile radius of the Volvo or the Vanquish – by order of Edward

Because llamas are not allowed to refer to Carlisle as "Grandpapy" - by order of Carlisle (Because no one is allowed to refer to Carlisle as "Grandpapy" which includes but is not limited to his "children" and llamas)

Because llama's are not to be dressed up and have their makeup done no matter how much Alice wants this done and I doubt Emmett would do anything but watch and laugh.

Because llamas require food and Emmett swore years ago he would never touch food again because it made him gag.

Because who the hell is going to clean up after the thing? I ain't doin it!

Because llamas are not allowed to eat Alice's make up, fingernail polish or hair care products – by order of Alice (Emmett has named all of these things as alternatives to food)

Because undoubtedly, at some point he will want to somehow include it in sex acts and that just isn't fair to anyone.

Because Rosalie said no.

Because Esme said no.

Because Alice said no.

Because Carlisle said no.

Because Edward said no.

HELL! Because I said no.

Because at some point he's going to be lazy and decide he is hungry but doesn't want to go out in the woods and will eventually eat it – thus bringing that crying thing up again.

BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES! We are trying to blend in here and I have no clue where you have to go to blend in and own a llama at the same time but I am guessing there is sun there.

* * *

Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen


	10. But I Don't Wanna

**BUT I DON'T WANNA!!!!!**

Have you ever had one of those classes that you just can't bring yourself to care about. I hate when you get these teachers that don't seem to have an ounce of sanity or a shred of intellect. I feel like these teachers would serve me better as a meal then an educator. Hell they would serve everyone better as a meal than an educator. They drone on and on and on about God only knows what. Alice doesn't like for me to refer to teachers as meals, she says it isn't nice. I suppose she is right. Carlisle wouldn't be too happy with any member of the family referring to teachers as meals. Then again if he met this guy he just might have the thought himself. I'd have to bring Edward along to know for sure. Then again I don't get Edward. He can sit through medical school over and over. What the hell came up as new the second time? I mean really! Talk about an over achiever! I wonder what he's trying to hide behind all the brains… He gets this odd thrill of fear anytime someone mentions he needs a woman. I keep telling myself I need to explore that further and yet I never do. Maybe it's time to do something about that. That boy has some serious problems.

I wish Alice would come home from shopping already. Maybe she could find a better way for me to avoid doing this stupid paper I don't want to write. I can think of a few things I would rather be doing with her right now than writing a useless paper…

Then again if she comes home and it's still not done… after her being gone for 5 hours… she probably won't let me do any of those things. Maybe if I get it done she'll know and she'll come home… hm… now there is a thought. I guess I should write this paper now. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO! After all the talk of meals I think I need to go hunt… yup… gonna go hunt. 1) HUNT 2) DRUDGE THROUGH PAPER 3) CALL ALICE, MAKE HER COME HOME AND DO EVERY DIRTY THING IN MY HEAD TO HER…

Jasper


	11. Just Another Reason to Love Alice

**I don't own either of these characters. I just have sweet thoughts about them after a semi-autobiographical chapter about eatable teachers. **

**Theme song for this chapter is "I Am" by Hanson. Go look it up… it's a great song. Trust me.**

* * *

**Just Another Reason to Love Alice**

I think the people in the world who make life exceedingly difficult are simply afraid to enjoy life. These people piss me off profoundly. There is nothing in the world that I cannot stand more than people who do not enjoy life. You would think with being immortal and just living on and on that enjoying life would get tedious, but it doesn't. In fact it has the exact opposite effect. I have so much more time to enjoy life right now. And since I have now finished my paper, and have time to kill I am doing just that.

I just got off the phone with Alice. Of course the phone rang as soon as I hit the submit button. She said she would be home from shopping in an hour and then every naughty thought I had before can be a reality. If that is the case I think we need to go find some place to hide in the woods for these activities…

I like life… probably more now than I did when I had a heartbeat and my days were numbered. I like doing little things that make Alice smile. And with an unlimited number of days ahead of me I can find every last way possible to make that happen.

I like holding Alice in my arms. I could do it forever, literally.

I like when I get to walk with her on my arm and can find the smallest, simplest flower to give her. Most people think Alice's entire life is centered on shopping and clothing. It's not true. She really is a simple creature. It's just that she doesn't have any human memories and so she is still trying to recapture all the things the rest of us still remember. The loving, sweet smile that comes across her face when I hand her one of these tiny gems is the most exhilarating thing to me, it could almost start my dead heart.

I like going for walks with her. I like getting to just walk along and enjoy a sunny day, or even a down pour, and just talk. We can talk about anything. I can tell her everything that ever made me afraid. I can tell her every hope and dream I ever had in the 166 years of my existence. She tells me everything. When we first met, probably on the first of our many walks like this, she told me all the things she imagined about her human life. She is so innocent and open about everything about herself. Even without my powers I would always know how she was feeling, every moment we were together. Her enduring and undying love is the first thing about her I fell in love with.

I love how – quite literally – I haven't had to worry about what to wear since the day I met her. Actually before that I had two pairs of clothes… dirty ones and dirtier ones. After I was with Maria most of my clothes were covered in vampire guts and human blood. After I met Maria the last thing on my mind was clothing. Really. The day I met Alice she bought me some clothes. Apparently the ones I was wearing were "hideous." She bought me new clothes and has laid out clothing for me every morning since then. I'm a simple creature really. Even more simple than Alice. My head is usually up in the clouds. I like philosophy and intellectual things. I could care less what I was wearing. If it wasn't for Alice I probably would have gone out many days in my boxers. Although I'm sure many of the girls in Forks wouldn't have minded, I think Alice would have. Have I mentioned she can be very possessive and protective of those she loves – most especially me? Alice may seem abrasive in her habits of dressing people, but she never picks out anything I wouldn't like, so I always have on things I would pick out if I paid enough attention to pick out my own clothes. God I love that woman. She totally understands my lack of attentiveness to these things and takes very good care of me. I am rather pale… I think even on a rainy day, if I was out in my boxers someone would be blinded. Wow I love Alice. Is she home yet?

Alice understands my need to hate myself sometimes. Well maybe understands isn't the right word. She would love for me to love myself the way she does. I know it hurts her when I hate myself so strongly that I take myself away from her sometimes. I think what it really is, is that she has learned that this is part of who I am and what I have lived through – in the end she loves me for all of it; even if I don't deserve it. I know that I hurt her in hating myself sometimes, and I love her more for her forgiveness of me after those times. I hope that one day I won't have to hurt her. One day I am going to be the man she believes I am. I think she sees into the future and sees the man that I'm going to become… eventually. I think she loves that I try so hard every day to be that man. I love her even more for loving me.

So yes… even wanting to eat my stupid professor for being stupid and annoying… it all just makes me love Alice more. Emmett likes to say I'm pussy whipped (Reason #11 Why I Hate Emmett). Edward thinks I'm still a wounded "little boy" who needs therapy (reason #11 Why I Hate Edward – When did he become a psychologist?). But I love Alice more than life itself, more than the air I breath (needlessly), more than the blood I crave, more than the clothes she makes sure I ware before leaving the house, more than the AMAZING (and I do mean the MOST AMAZING) sex we have. The whole world and everything in it makes me love Alice more! I know I'm twisted but she loves me anyway!

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**And now you can love Jasper too! Do you want to see Jasper leave the house in his boxers in the morning? Do you love him even though he is twisted? I know I do. Do you want to know how to make this happen? Leave reviews!**


	12. 111 Things Emmett is Not Allowed to Do

**I don't own any of these characters, I just make them do funny things for my own selfish enjoyment... if you enjoy it too you know what to do at the bottom! ;)**

**This is dedicated to all the Emmett lovers out there - Especially coloroutsidethelines who sent this insanity such a nice review last time we made fun of Emmett! Love ya Em! - Jo**

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**111 Things Emmett Cullen is NEVER Allowed to Do Under Pain of Death**

1. It goes without saying: Emmett is not allowed to drive the Volvo or the Vanquish.

2. Emmett is not allowed in Edward's bedroom.

3. Emmett is not allowed in Alice and Jasper's bedroom.

4. Emmett is not allowed in Carlisle and Esme's bedroom.

5. Emmett is not allowed in anyone's bedroom that is not his own, unless Rosalie says he's sleeping on the couch and then he is allowed in no bedroom at all.

6. Emmett is not allowed to own a puppy.

7. Emmett is not allowed to own a kitten.

8. Emmett is not allowed to own a hamster.

9. Emmett is not allowed to own a monkey no matter how cool it might be.

10. Emmett is not allowed to own a LLAMA! PERIOD! (see previous entry)

11. Emmett is not allowed to jump on the couch.

12. Emmett is not allowed to yell at the TV when football games don't turn out his way, or the officials make a call he disagrees with.

13. Emmett is not allowed to yell at football players on the TV screen because guess what buddy... they can't hear you!

14. Quite frankly Emmett Cullen is in no way allowed to watch football on TV for any reason – it's just way easier on the rest of us.

15. Emmett is not allowed to soup up his own car. He must let Rosalie do it for him because explaining to humans why we were all home, the entire house had blown up and yet none of us was hurt was a royal pain in the ass! (those bastards just wouldn't buy a story that we were all out of the house in random places at 3 am. I don't understand why?! So sure the school was closed, that doesn't mean we couldn't be there!)

16. Emmett is not allowed to hunt down a human with the soul purpose of keeping it as a pet.

17. Emmett is not allowed to watch "Finding Nemo" as we are all sick and tired of him chanting "People are Friends, NOT Food!"

18. Emmett is not allowed to modify the school P.A. System to run a track of "I'm Too Sexy" adding his name into certain parts anytime the school administration tries to make an announcement. (No one should be subjected to that)

19. Emmett is not allowed to modify the cop cars in ANY city/town so they turn off after hitting 50 miles an hour. (it may be funny but it looks suspicious when he grins like that and since he has demonstrated that he can't do it without grinning like that he's no longer allowed to do it.)

20. Emmett is not allowed to modify people's toasters so they shoot the toast into the ceiling when they make their morning toast. (He always over does it and these folks have toast shaped holes in their ceilings/roofs now.)

21. Emmett is not allowed to modify the school sprinkler system to go off anytime someone starts singing "It's Getting Hot in Here."

22. Emmett is not allowed to take his shirt or any other article of clothing off when he hears the song "It's Getting Hot in Here."

23. Emmett is not allowed to sing the song "It's Getting Hot in Here."

24. Emmett is not allowed to sing "P.Y.T." to female teachers in an attempt to get out of doing homework.

25. Come to think of it, Emmett is not allowed to sing "P.Y.T." to male teachers – either – in an attempt to get out of doing homework. (we still have a lawsuit pending against him in one state because of that.)

26. Emmett is not allowed to sing Michael Jackson songs at all... leave that to Mike man!

27. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Alice walks into a room – That just ain't cool man.

28. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Esme walks into a room.

29. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Rosalie walks into a room... no one needs to see the result of that.

30. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Alice walks into a room.

31. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Esme walks into a room.

32. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Rosalie walks into a room... Esme does not want to fix another Emmett shaped hole in the wall!

33. You know what, let's save time... Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Carlisle walks into a room.

34. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Edward walks into a room – especially at school or any other public place.

35. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Jasper walks into a room.

36. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy – most especially himself – when EMMETT walks into a room.

37. Emmett is NEVER allowed to sing the hamster dance song.

frankly Emmett is not allowed to sing period... it's not good for anyone.

39. Emmett is not allowed to show up at the hospital and follow Carlisle around claiming it is bring your daughter to work day... whether it really is bring your daughter to work day or not.

40. Emmett is not allowed to to show up at the hospital and follow Carlisle around claiming it is bring your son to work day... no such observance exists.

41. Emmett is never to step foot in the hospital for any reason.

42. Emmett is not allowed to offer to do "Quicky IV's" behind the hospital for "Folks Afraid of Needles."

43. Emmett is not allowed to walk around outside the hospital in a pair of Carlisle's spare scrubs and claim to be Dr. Cullen and a blond impostor has stolen his credentials and is currently in the hospital and has asked security to keep him out. (He tried that on Carlisle's first day in a new city once and it took almost two days to get things straightened out and get Carlisle out of jail.)

44. Emmett is not allowed to volunteer to be a candy striper at the hospital... he does not look good in a red and white striped dress thank you VERY much!

45. Emmett is pretty much not allowed anywhere within a five mile radius of the hospital.

46. Emmett is not allowed to make googoo eyes at Rosalie in public... the aftermath is definitely not a public affair and is so much worse than NC-17 it's not even funny. (I'm still in therapy from being subjected to that.)

47. Emmett is not allowed to paint the house pink... EVER. AGAIN. - Per Esme

48. Emmett is not allowed to paint the jeep pink claiming he is helping her dress up for Halloween.

49. Emmett is not allowed to dress the jeep up as a vampire for Halloween... it's just tacky.

50. Emmett is not allowed to dress up as a vampire for Halloween... that's even more tacky.

51. Emmett is not allowed to paint Rosalie's BMW pink if he ever wants her to do "that thing" ever again! (trust me you don't want to know what "that thing" is. I had to see it once... EW)

52. Emmett is not allowed to paint his hair pink and claim he is an angry teenager who has gone punk rock.

53. Emmett is not allowed to wear black fingernail polish, dye his hair black and ware black makeup and claim to have gone goth.

54. Emmett is not allowed to claim he is going goth, because he has "the perfect complexion for it."

55. Emmett is not allowed to pain the neighbor's cat pink.

56. Basically, Emmett is not allowed to touch, use or even look at anything that will change something to a different color either temporarily or permanently.

57. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Jasper when Alice is trying to calm him down from wanting to eat humans at school.

58. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Edward any time some girl at tried to flirt with him... the humans wonder why his lips don't get chapped from all the puckering.

59. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Carlisle and Esme when he comes home from work and asks, "How was your day dear?"

60. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Rosalie unless he actually intends to put his money where his mouth is.

61. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act at school.

62. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act in any public place.

63. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act where anyone but his wife can see it or walk in on it.

64. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under the lunch table and claim to be "passing the time."

65. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself while watching Girls Gone Wild commercials. (I understand why doing things at vampire speed is cool sometimes but dude, don't sprain anything!)

66. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself in health class and calling it "Self Exploration." (You've been on this earth since 1915, if you haven't found it in previous expeditions it ain't there!

67. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under his desk in class and say he's just waiting until he can see Rosalie so she can do it for him.

68. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under his desk in class and say he's just "shooting the breeze!" (It's not flying breeze I'm worried about.)

69. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Edward's hair told him to do it.

70. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Rosalie's hair told him to do it.

71. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Rosalie's cat did it. (although that might be his one viable argument.)

72. Let's just be safe and say Emmett is not allowed to touch himself without prior consent of Rosalie.

73. Emmett is not allowed to say that Edward's hair told him to do anything on the above list.

74. Emmett is not allowed to say that Edward's hair told him to do anything on the list below this.

75. Emmett is not allowed to say Rosalie's hair told him to do anything on the list above or below this.

76. Emmett is not allowed to break things and claim Rosalie's cat did it. (Even if her "cat" did do it, it was only because of what he was doing to it.)

77. Emmett is not allowed to play with fire and claim Rosalie's cat did it.

78. Emmett is not allowed to break an entering ANYWHERE and claim that Rosalie's cat did it. (I saw the episode of South Park where Oprah's "cat" holds up a bank, and I could be wrong – I have no experience with the thing – but I don't think her cat is that bold.)

79. Let's just save time and say Emmett is not allowed to claim Rosalie's cat did anything.

80. Emmett is not allowed to say Rosalie's cat told him to do anything.

81. Emmett is not allowed to call... well that... "Rosalie's Cat" if he plans on ever playing with her cat again – Per Rosalie.

82. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Grandpa.

83. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Granddaddy – no matter how much he likes me telling stories about mine in Texas.

84. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Pops.

85. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Old Man.

86. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Grandpappy.

87. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Older Than Dirt.

88. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Old Man Winter and then say, "See he has snow white hair and his hands are cold as ice!"

89. Emmett would be wise to just call Carlisle, Carlisle.

90. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Granny.

91. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Mrs. Clause.

92. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, GrandLady.

93. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Grandmummy.

94. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Grandma

95. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, MeMaw, MawMaw or MaMaw – No matter how cute he thinks it is that I use those terms for my human granmothers.

96. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Lady.

97. Emmett is not allowed to refer to Esme as, Lady Bird Johnson

98. Emmett is not allowed to reder to Esme as, Lady Bird Johnson's Clone.

99. Emmett should just stick with the standard Esme, although she does appreciate hearing us call her mom every now and again.

100. Emmett is not allowed to call any female Mummy, he is not British, that is Robert Pattinson and Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe. (We know you're huge fans of theirs dude, but seriously!)

101. Emmett is not allowed to go skinny dipping in the city pool.

102. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "City Morgue: you stab 'em, we'll slab 'em."

103. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "you stab 'em, I'll slab 'em."

104. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "you stab 'em, I'll eat 'em."

105. Emmett should play it safe and just stick to texting.

106. Emmett is not allowed to play with, touch or even possess human food.

107. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he likes his meet as rare as possible.

108. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he likes the blood on the dish more than the steak itself.

109. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he enjoys "the hell out of" the practice of eating raw meat.

110. Emmett is not allowed to mention his eating habits to ANYONE!

111. Emmett is not allowed to do one man shows of each of the Harry Potter novels and force the entire family to sit and watch them. (It's quite disturbing when he attempts to dance with himself during his one man rendition of the Goblet of Fire. Still not too sure about why he insists on being Harry and Cedric at the same time... CREEPY!)

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**NOTICE:** The Cullen 86ers are heading out to the country... for real. We live in the south in a small town but not too far from the big city. Maybe 45 minutes max. However it seems there are a few things going on out at the Cullen farm (owned by Grandma and Granddaddy Cullen) that would go smoother with some young hands. So, the 86ers have volunteered to head out there for a month - starting Monday - to help out. We will try to update as often as possible and we will be sure to post pics of the lovely country around us. It really is peaceful out there and we really wish we could share the serenity of the land with all of you. Don't think we have forgotten you and we are hoping to update all the stories before we leave. We should have time to write, edit and post at night if we haven't passed out in exhaustion from all the manual labor.

Lovin' the Country Life

Jo, Ali, Jazz, Jay, Em, Edward


	13. Edward is a Pussy

**I don't own twilight or any of the characters within… I just try to weasel my way inside their adorable little heads!**

**This is another writing exercise. Please go ahead and let me know what you think.

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Okay so it's raining and Alice is gone. Do you know what vampire's like to do when it's raining? I do… but I can't make love to Alice with her on a stupid afternoon hunting trip with Edward because he's afraid of lightning or some crap. Can that boy do nothing without someone holding his hand? I would have gone but I really like the jeans I have on at the moment, their quite soft and comfortable so I didn't want to ruin them and I was too lazy to change so I'm laying on this couch in this living room by myself.

I have my legs hanging over the arm of the couch. It's really like I'm sitting on the arm and the seat part of the couch is the back. It's quite comfortable actually. My back is totally supported by the couch so all my muscles are totally relaxed. My hair is sticking out lying on the couch above me. Basically I did this because Emmett came zooming in and stuck my hair between the couch cushions… ass hole! (Reason #12 why I Hate Emmett Cullen) I just pulled it out and let it fall on the couch wherever. It feels weird not having my hair between my neck and the couch. The fabric of the upholstery is soft against the skin on the back of my neck. It makes me think of when Alice leaves soft, barely-there kisses there. Damn it Edward you're a pussy! (Reason #12 Why I Hate Edward Cullen)

I took my boots and my socks off so the soft breeze that's coming through the house is tickling along the bottom of my feet. My feet were abnormally ticklish as a human and with my heightened sensations now as a vampire the breeze feels oddly exhilarating. REASON # 13 WHY I HATE EDWARD CULLEN: WERE HE HERE HE WOULD HAVE TOLD EMMETT I WAS TICKLISH AND THEN WOULD HAVE PAID EMMETT $1,000 TO TICKLE ME! (Thank God he's a pussy!) I can feel the bottom edge of my jeans against my ankles. The cotton used in this pair of jeans is very soft and smooth while being rather durable and heavy. It's rubbing against my ankle softly as I swing my legs. Wow I haven't done the swinging thing since I was a kid. It's kind of fun. I hope it pisses off Edward later.

I'm lying here listening to the rain fall. The soft plops are hypnotizing. I take deep breaths waiting for Alice's scent to come back into range. At this rate I just might go meet here as soon as I smell her. The little bit of dust in the room smells stale and tangy. The rain smells sweet and cool in contrast. The smell reminds me of wet Texas springs. The wet grass smells dewy and fresh. I can almost smell it growing. I can smell the life running through it. WHY IS ALICE NOT HERE NOW?!

My hands rest on my stomach, softly folded together. I can feel my wedding ring against my left middle finger, resting between my right ring finger and pinky. My hands feel heavy and big against my stomach. Alice says I have impossibly long fingers. Somehow I think she means this as a compliment of a sexual nature, judging by her emotional and physical responses when she talks about them. My hands go up and down as I take in searching breaths. My abdomen muscles feel strong and hard under my palms. I lazily begin to play with my wedding band. It's made if platinum with yellow gold at the edges. It is chunky and masculine. It's rather simple just like me. Alice's ring is similar, a lot more feminine. It's dainty and small just like her. Hers has hearts around the band. It is so very Alice. I smile at the thought of the look on her face the first time she saw it. I wish I could shed a tear as I think about the day I gave it to her at our wedding. She was so beautiful, as she always is. We had each picked out each other's rings. I kept changing my mind on which ring I wanted, sending Edward to get it so I wouldn't know when, exactly, it was obtained. I mentally settled on the ring in my pocket just as I gave it to her. She never saw it coming. I can't help the huge smile on my face as I begin to twist it around my finger. It's smooth and slick against my skin. It easily slips on and off my finger the more I play with it. As it approaches the tip of my finger I can't feel it against my skin any longer. I push it back toward my hand and it tightens around my skin the further it goes until it can go no further.

I lay here thinking of my Alice, playing with the ring she gave me decades ago. _I really wish she were here._ I think of how much I love my Alice and how much she loves me. I think of how much she has taught me since the day I met her and all the things I still hope to learn from her. The more I sit and wait, think, feel, imagine I become entranced by the firm, steady throbbing of my cock. If I concentrate entirely on the feeling of the throbbing and the feeling of my wedding band as it twirls around and moves up and down my finger I can almost feel Alice drawing near. I can almost feel the emotional signature that is only Alice's. My eyes remain closed as the feeling grows. If I concentrate really hard I can practically feel her presence next to me. It seems so real. If I didn't know any better I would say I was dreaming. I can almost feel a hand softly caress the side of my face, but it is just light enough that I know it is my imagination. How I wish she were here now. _Soon Jasper; She'll be home soon enough._ I hold my breath, afraid of the let down if I take a deep breath and have confirmation she is not here. I enjoy my delusion just a little longer. I can almost make out the soft brush of lips against mine. _My imagination has gotten vivid in my desperate nature. _

"Come back to me angel." I hear whispered softly. _What the…?_ _That could almost be real._ But I know it can't possibly be. It is far too early to for them to return. Now I must open my eyes. I must end this insanity and just wait patiently before I lose myself completely.

I open my eyes and she has come back to me, my beautiful angel. She has returned early. I open my emotions to her. I love her instant reaction.

GOTTA GO!!!!!

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**What ever could they be doing now? Be creative and let me know what you think. **


	14. Therapy Wrap Sheet

**Still don't own these guys. Stephanie Meyer does.

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**Describe all your family members in one word.**

**Carlisle** - compassionate

**Esme** - Brave

**Emmett** - Stupid

**Rosalie** – egotistical

**Edward** - Horny

**Alice** – Amazing

**Describe your perfect day with all of your family members.**

**Carlisle** – Just sitting and reading

**Esme** – Just sitting near her and feeling how happy she is with the way her life is now

**Emmett** – Any day I don't have to deal with the onslaught of his horniness or his lust while having sex with Rosalie… still waiting for that day.

**Rosalie** – Any day she does something for someone else just to do it. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's amazing.

**Edward** – Any day he doesn't spend the whole day hating himself… still waiting for this one to happen too.

**Alice** – Any and every day with her. Any day she smiles. Any day she loves me. Any day she hugs me and kisses me just so I unknowingly broadcast my love to her. Any day she assures me I am not a monster. Still waiting for the day this doesn't happen… I don't want that day to come but I imagine it will eventually.

**For each person in your family, what kind of pet would they have?**

**Carlisle** – a dog, he needs a pet as loyal as he is.

**Esme** – Something that cuddles a lot, she needs something as loving as she is.

**Emmett** – a monkey, he has one… it's apparently very badly behaved because he spanks it a lot. ;)

**Rosalie** – a pet rock that's shiny and pretty, then she doesn't have to think about its needs and can just think about how pretty it is.

**Edward** – Whatever Esme has, he needs something to love him until he is forced to love himself.

**Alice** – Alice definitely needs a pet Jasper. She has such an overflow of love and Jaspers definitely need that. Trust me I know… I am an expert in the Jasper species. ;)

**What color best describes each member of your family?**

**Carlisle** – Blue, it's warm

**Esme** – A deeper shade of blue, she's warmer

**Emmett** – what color is creepy? Black with brown swirled in maybe?

**Rosalie** – Green, for envy because she wants every girl to envy her

**Edward** – Black, he hates himself too much to let color into his world. It's all black and white.

**Alice** – The most beautiful color anyone could ever imagine. I think it's that 8th color in the spectrum that only vampires see.

**Say one nice thing about each member of your family.**

**Carlisle** – If it wasn't for him and his vision, Alice never would have been able to save me.

**Esme** – She is the best mother I could possibly have for all of eternity.

**Emmett** – He is incredibly loyal and protective of our entire family. (Look at that, Carlisle's dog!)

**Rosalie** – She has a heart of gold, if she would just show it a little more I wouldn't be the only one who knew and you wouldn't be looking at me like that.

**Edward** – He is incredibly moral, always concerned with doing the right thing.

**Alice** – There are so many things to say about Alice. She is nice personified. She is love personified. She is care personified. She is adoration personified. She is perfection personified. She means everything in the world to me. She is what makes me whole. She is what makes each day bearable and worth living. She is my hope when I have none… which is every day. Alice is the angel that walked into my life and flew me out of my own personal hell. Alice saved me from myself. For a hundred years I didn't have a soul. One day Alice walked into my life. Alice _IS_ my soul. Alice is my soul personified.

**Say one nice thing about yourself.**

_Um… _


	15. Who Send's Vampire's to Therapy!

**I don't own twilight I just read the books over and over before trying in vain to make some part of them something original and something of my own. Unfortunately Stephanie Meyer is the only one who can claim any of the above. **

**The answer to the question in the title is ****vjgm****… go check out her story about the Cullen's in therapy! Good stuff in there!

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_**Stupid Therapy; Who sends Vampires to Therapy?!

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**Name: **Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen

**Nickname:** Jazz, Angel, Alice's Treasure; Hungry

**Age:** I don't want to talk about it

**Sex: **Male

**Appearance:** Something of a lost boy… If it weren't for Alice my hair would go uncombed, I probably wouldn't bathe and my clothes wouldn't match or be clean.

**Occupation:** Student; Alice's undying servant who will do anything to see to her happiness.

**Family Members:** Alice, Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett

**Pets:** I have a special bond with the deer surrounding our home. ;)

**Best Friend:** Alice

**Describe Your Room:** It was decorated by Alice and Esme. It's bright and open and happy. Usually I love it become it feels like Alice is always in there, even when she's not. Sometimes I hate it though, when I'm busy hating myself for doing stupid things that hurt Alice.

**Way of Speaking:** A slight southern drawl

**Physical Characteristics:** Tall; skinny; muscular; shoulder length blonde curls on the loose; Alice says I always look like I'm about to snap to attention; I walk with an air of confidence unless I'm busy hating myself then not so much.

**Items in your pockets, purse or backpack right now:** I don't carry a backpack it's a waste of time and energy. My pockets contain my wedding ring (when I'm not wearing it) and whatever book I may be reading at the time. In my boot leg is whatever cash I have on my person at the time. I also have a few mementos from my parents that I don't want to talk about right now.

**Hobbies:** Reading, Hating myself, doing things to make Alice smile.

**Favorite Sports:** Baseball and helping Alice on Black Friday.

**Talents, Abilities and Powers:** I can make you feel how I want you to feel. Don't believe me? Try me.

**Relationships:** I generally stay on the outer fringe of things unless I can be of help to my family. I would and will do anything in my power to protect and care of my family. I'm mostly rather introverted, choosing to think things through in my head with the exception of when I am with Alice. I am only extroverted when I am alone with Alice.

**Fears:** Losing Alice; Hurting Alice; Being a Monster; Being a Jerk; Being a Failure.

**Faults:** Can I have another piece of paper please? I'll just write small. I'm an asshole. I am selfish. I do things to hurt Alice and never learn my lesson. I do things to hurt other people and I never learn my lesson. I screw up more than anyone else. I have no self-control. I am a total fuck up! I am inhumane. I've… ah… hurt so many people it's pathetic. I am a total failure as a person when Alice isn't around. I am nowhere near the man Alice deserves. I am a coward. I once scared the shit out of my Mama – I don't want to talk about it. It took me forever to figure out I was a deplorable excuse for a human being and should get out of a bad situation I was in back in the day.

**Good Points:** Ask Alice. I got nothin.

**What you want more than anything else:** To deserve the love Alice gives me and shows me every day.

* * *

_*** * * Here is the same questionnaire as done by Alice. * * *

* * *

**_

**Name: **Jasper Gabriel (doesn't he have the cutest name ever?!)

_(* * * I know that his middle name is never mentioned in the books but after some research and a vote in my J/A story it has been decided that for my uses he middle name is Gabriel. * * *)_

**Nickname:** Jazz, Angel, Treasure, My Rock, Kas (don't tell anyone he doesn't like other people to call him that)

**Age:** 20

**Sex: **Yes please! ;)Male

**Appearance:** He's got the cutest unruly curls. When he finally decides to smile it makes my heart melt. He's just so cute and loveable.

**Occupation:** Student; World's Hottest Man

**Family Members: **Me, Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett

**Pets:** I am enough of a handful… I'm his pet! ;)

**Best Friend:** Probably Edward… they seem to both enjoy hating themselves at times. They seem to have a rather special bond in that. He'd probably say me but I'm his wife so I don't count.

**Describe Your Room:** When Esme and I decorated it we knew he really didn't care about what it looked like but we tried to make it look homey and comfortable to him, so we could both enjoy our time there.

**Way of Speaking:** He has the hottest southern drawl I have ever heard. The sound of his voice screams southern gentleman to me!

**Physical Characteristics:** Tall; Muscular; Very Strong Hands; He's HOT; He's got the cutest blonde curls; He stands up really straight most of the time; He walks like he's really confident even when he's not.

**Items in your pockets, purse or backpack right now:** He hates backpacks and even I wouldn't attempt to get him to carry a man purse. When he has to take it off his wedding band is in there. He plays with it in there when he's nervous. He carries cash in his boot, so it smells like leather usually; thank God it doesn't smell like feet. He has a locket that was once his mother's and his father's wooden cross that used to hang on a leather string (but that was lost before he found it); he also has the ring his mother gave him before he left for the war with their family crest on it.

**Hobbies:** Reading, being cute, making me laugh.

**Favorite Sports:** Baseball and helping me shop on Black Friday (that really is a sport, especially how I do it).

**Talents, Abilities and Powers:** He makes people happy!

**Relationships:** He's loving and protective.

**Fears:** A lot of things that will NEVER happen.

**Faults:** He hates himself too much.

**Good Points:** He's strong; he's loving; he's caring; he's protective; he's cuddly; he's smart; he's trusting; he's confident; he lets me comfort him when he needs it and doesn't act all manly all the time; he's loves me even though I'm quite literally crazy; he's a total gentleman; he always smiles at me at just the right moments; he stops hating himself when I tell him to, at least for a minute; He lets me touch him anytime I want; he knows how much I love him, even if he feels he doesn't deserve it; he lets me tell him every waking moment how much I love him; he plays stupid games with me just because he knows it will make me happy; he risks life and limb to go shopping with me… especially on Black Friday; He lets me pitch to him when we play baseball, even though he knows I won't play fair just because it's him and he knows I like when he hits homeruns; He doesn't expect me to play fair when it comes to anything that involves him; he takes good care of me, especially when I have one of my… ah… moments; He gives the best hugs; he smells good; he lets me dress him; he lets me brush his hair… well sometimes; He's cute; he lets me tell him how hot I think he is… and he doesn't roll his eyes anymore; His voice makes my heart melt; no matter what he thinks he is most definitely NOT a monster; despite what he thinks he is a very good person who puts his needs well after everyone else's. His hair is really soft and it makes me happy to touch it all the time… sometimes I do that too much I think; his hands are so soft and soothing, even though he thinks their rough and yucky.

**What you want more than anything else:** He probably wants to have more self-control, but he's probably made that to be something about me.

* * *

**Jasper hates himself and only measures his self worth but the number of reviews he can get Alice… so boost his self-esteem and review! **


	16. There Once Was a Man from Nantucket

**Okay this chapter is kind of a joke... the really important part is that author's note at the end, so go check it out!

* * *

**

My favorite poem… I have no clue why people freak when I say this…

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

But his daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,

The man and the girl with the bucket;

And he said to the man,

He was welcome to Nan,

But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,

Where he still held the cash as an asset,

But Nan and the man

Stole the money and ran,

And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

Of this story we hear from Nantucket,

About the mysterious loss of a bucket,

We are sorry for Nan,

As well as the man—

The cash and the bucket, Pawtucket.

What?! I see that look! I don't get it. I say the first line and people laugh… why?! Emmett tried to explain it once but all he did was laugh. I don't understand… it is a wonderful story of a daughter, her father and her new husband. As for people taking the bucket and the money… WELL THAT'S JUST WRONG!

* * *

**Alright seriously folks! Dunno why but I've been DYING to do this chapter! I was being a total smart ass and on top of that I need to ask a favor. Everyone has commented on how Jasper hates himself so much and can't find anything nice about himself - he always sends the inquisitor to Alice. So help Jasper learn to love himself ;)... list all the things YOU love about Jasper****... to appear in a future chapter!**


	17. Just a Touch

**I don't own these characters I just dig through their minds and check out what's in there. **

**This is a writing exercise to see how many ways I can express emotion in words. **

**I got the idea to write this because bouncy 72 said she could see that Jasper and Alice could convey so much in just a touch. So when this assignment popped up it seemed like a perfect opportunity. **

**Everything below is obviously from Jasper's POV but it is all in language used by Jasper to reference himself. Alice's thoughts are her own, but you are getting them through the filter of Jasper's mind. HE IS NOT TELLING ALICE HOW SHE FEELS!

* * *

**

**Just a Touch**

I sit on the couch alone just staring into space. A hand softly brushes mine for just a _split second_. I know it is Alice because of everything that comes at me.

I feel everything I hold in my soul for Alice.

_I love you with all my heart and all my soul. My love for you is like a water fall, it just keeps flowing with no apparent end. Nothing in the word could ever make me stop loving you. Nothing in the world heals me the way your love does. Without your love I would be a ship lost at sea in the night. My daily existence depends on your love for me. Without your love I would breakdown and cease to be. _

_I need you to survive. Without you I would be a monster of a man. Without you I would have nothing to strive for and nothing to be good for. When the people around me start smelling a little too good you're mere existence is the thing that holds me back, and keeps me in check. Without you the Volturi would have taken me out a long time ago. I need you the way I used to need air; you are the air I breathe to survive now. I need you so much more than emotionally. I need your hugs and your kisses and your tender touches. I need the soft slip and slide of your skin against mine when we're alone in our room. _

_I want you like a fire wants oxygen. There is a fire that burns down in my soul that can only be quenched after hours and hours with you, alone. I want to touch you and love you and make you feel loved. I want to make you come as many times a day as possible. I want to hold you close and hear your soft sounds against my ear as I use every part of my body, every part of my being to make you melt into me over and over again. I so want you sexually that it's a miracle I don't have a permanent hard on. _

_You are the most beautiful creature I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You are beautiful on the outside and on the inside. Your smile lights up my life. Your eyes dissect my soul to find every single wound so you can go fix each one in turn. You try so hard to make me comfortable, even if that just means holding my hand and concentrating on feeling soothed. You have the heart of a legion of Angels. You are my commander and I will follow you anywhere. _

_I adore you with every ounce of my being. You are the most loving creature I have ever known and I love you more than anyone else that has ever been in my life. _

_You mean more to me than my own existence. You are the sun in my sky, golden and warm. You are the moon that lights up my night when everything else is dark and lonely. You might as well be the blood I drink because without you I wouldn't even have to power to not massacre the nearest town at the drop of a hat. _

_I cherish you, I have to love you and care for you. I have to protect you and keep you close. There is no part of my life that means more. There is no part of my everyday that means more to me than the moments I get to spend with you. _

_I am in awe of you. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You have been through so much and you have every reason not to love or trust anyone, yet you love harder than anyone I have ever been around, you trust stronger than anything I have ever experienced. You are simply amazing and wonderful and perfect. _

_I want to be close to you every minute of my every day. I want to hold you in my arms for the rest of eternity and it still won't be long enough. Even though I fear your eventual rejection I want nothing more than to tell you everything about me. I want you to know my every fear – which you do. I want you to know my every shortcoming, even the human ones that never had any impact on you. You want to bare my soul to you every chance I get, not because it's easy but because it makes holding you so much better. _

_I am so grateful for your love. I can't get over the way you love me even when I don't deserve it. I am so grateful that you comfort me and keep me safe. I am so grateful that you want to love me. Mostly I am grateful that you are mine. You could have left before we met, you could leave at any time but you don't. You love me as much as I love you. You make everything that's wrong with me, okay. If it weren't for you I would still be stumbling around the wilderness somewhere trying not to feel terror and fear constantly. _

_You make me so happy. Every smile that crosses my face is caused in some way by you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have two brothers, I wouldn't have Carlisle and Esme, I wouldn't have love in my life at all. _

_I am honored that you chose me. I am honored that you love me. I am honored that you stay with me and never blame me, even when you should. I am honored that I get to call you mine. I am most honored that you call me yours. _

_I am humbled to the depths of my soul by you. I don't deserve a single moment with you and yet here you are my spiky haired angel, the love of my life, the love of my existence. _

_I know I shouldn't be anymore but I am so nervous around you, almost constantly. I feel like everyday is the first day I met you. I feel like a nervous school boy, holding the hand of my first crush. To be honest you were my first crush, I was just lucky you loved me too. Every time you walk into a room I get butterflies in my stomach and no matter what's going on I just want to smile at you. _

_My head can get so hectic; I can get so busy hating myself and being mean to myself. When you're around everything seems to calm a little. Whenever I get to hold you I'm calm and my broken heart feels peace. _

_You never cease to surprise me. You always do something to take my breath away. You always find a way to make me love you more. You find a way to make me smile when I think it's impossible. You always find a way to give me hope, when nothing else does. You are simply the most surprising part of my life, and I love you for it. _

_Sometimes I don't trust anyone, but I absolutely always trust you. You take my trust and hold it so safe in your hands. I know that my trust is never misplaced when I leave it with you, so that is where it will remain forever. _

_There is nothing I want more than you. When you are not here I have a burning, yearning need that will never stop until you come back. When you are here I still yearn for you, but when I can at least smell how close you are it's not quite so bad. _

_You amuse me in the every sense of the word. You make me laugh, you make me smile. You help me pass the time of eternity in happy and fun ways. _

_Nothing calms me like having you close, accept maybe feeling your hand in mine. Holding you close with your head on my chest is pretty calming too. I think my favorite thing though is when you run your fingers through my hair and massage my head when I'm stressed, that's really relaxing. It's so relaxing in fact that I relax too much and my jeans shrink! _

_Nothing comforts me like you do. Your love and passion and care for me simply make being me so much easier. You make every screw up and shortcoming okay, and sometimes even sexy. I am so soothed by you; I almost experience physical pain when you are not around. _

_I am so vulnerable because I have been hurt, abused and used. I have carefully opened my heart just enough to let you in, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to really let anyone else in. _

_I am worried I am going to screw up and not only mess up my life but everyone else's in this family, most especially Alice._

_I am afraid I will never be the man you believe I am. I am afraid one day you will realize I am a monster and go away. I am afraid I might eat someone soon. I am afraid I'm going to hurt you one day. I am afraid I won't love you enough. I am afraid of being a bad husband to you. I am afraid that one day I will put you in danger because I'm a monster. I am afraid I really am a monster. I am afraid Carlisle will realize I don't belong here because I am a bad vampire and not a good one, and he'll make me leave, and I don't know how I will live without Alice. I am afraid the whole family is going to have to move because of me, again. I am afraid of losing you. I am afraid of pushing you away. I am afraid of something bad happening to you. I am afraid I won't be able to protect you when it does. I am afraid of being a bad man. _

I feel everything in Alice's soul that is meant for me.

_I am accepted for everything I am and everything I will be. I am loved for who I am and the vampire I am, not who I should be and certainly not for whom I'm not. _

_I make you smile and laugh and enjoy life. I make every part of your life entertaining, even the otherwise boring parts. _

_You are surprised that I have survived through 100 years of torture and still came out on this end as a loving, wonderful, caring man. _

_I calm you, even without my powers through simple touch and even simple looks. My smile warms your heart and my hand brushing against yours lets you know everything will be okay. _

_I feel like an open book to you, you can sense my every emotion even when I'm not broadcasting. You feel like you can tell me anything. _

_You never feel safer or more at home then when I wrap you up in one of my big hugs that pretty much makes you disappear as my body wraps around yours. _

_Everyday, you look forward to another day with me. Every part of being with me feels natural and perfect, like the way life is supposed to be. _

_No matter what I think, you feel that I try my hardest to be good and I only slip up when anyone else in the family would have done it if I hadn't jumped on it first. _

_You believe that I am the most courageous man in the world. You can feel it when you hold me. You know it is true because I'm still humane after everything I have been forced to endure. _

_You are determined to make me love myself. You are determined to make me see that I am loveable and deserving and way more than worthy of love. Damn it I am going to love myself because you say so… come hell or high water… even if it takes until the last moment of eternity._

_You are grateful I love you even though it's been proven you are crazy. You are grateful that I don't care how clingy you can be because of my abandonment issues and just keep on loving you. _

_You are humbled by the pure love I have for you and the way I love you so deeply. You are humbled by the way I exalt you on a pedestal and worship at your feet every day of my existence. _

_You give me all your patience because you know that is what it is going to take. You know one day I will realize all my fears are way off base and that I am so much more than the man I believe I am. You know one day I will realize the man you see in me is nothing more than the many I am._

_The way I look at you, the way I smell, the way I touch you, the way I taste, even the way my voice drawls out my southern roots all bring you pleasure when we're alone, and even when we're not. _

_You are proud of the way I have overcome so much. You are proud of how my self-control has grown so much since we met. You're proud of how strong I am. You're proud of how loving I am. You are proud to call me yours. You are proud of me for choosing on my own to walk away, no matter how scary and stressful it was._

_You feel there is no way you could possibly not respect me when I have grown so much and learned so much about being loving and humane since the day I was changed. You respect me for the way I love and respect you and all women because 'my mama taught me right.' You respect for me for choosing the harder path and leaving, not once but twice. If you hadn't have wandered off on my own I never would have found you. _

_As much as you know I hate it you sympathize with my struggle to live our lifestyle, but you also know I don't just do it for you like everyone thinks. I do it because I know it is right and because I know it will make my life easier. You sympathize that this choice is harder for me than anyone else because of my past. _

_You trust me because I always keep my word, and I never betray confidences. You trust me because I am trustworthy. You trust me because for as much as I have been through I trust you, and that clearly shows that I want nothing more than your trust in return. _

_You understand that I am hard on myself, and this is just part of who I am. You understand that I have always been this way and always will. You understand that sometimes being loved hurts, but you also understand that there is nothing I need more than your love. _

_You are in wonder of the incredible way I love and care for you. You are awed by the way I protect you. When love is probably the hardest thing for me to show and accept, that fact that I do so readily with you takes your breath away. _

_You love me with the depth of every ocean in the world, compounded by ten. You love me with all the bouncy energy in your soul. _

_You need me to touch you, and caress you and love on you every chance I get. You need me to use my soft, gentle, loving hands to remind you how much I love and cherish you because although you remember sometimes your body forgets. You need my hugs and love to get your through every day of the rest of eternity. _

_You want me to touch on you, kiss on you and love on you every chance I get. You love how I use the southern term of "love on" to refer to making love because it's so damn hot and it makes you want me more. _

_You want to shield me, protect me, love me, and guide me so that you can always make sure I feel safe and secure in how my life is now – and will be for the rest of eternity. _

_I am the most powerful, strong, loving man in the world. I am the reason you do everything that could even potentially make me smile. _

_I may think I am ugly and scarred, but you see the adorable face and loving hands that are behind the scars. You see through them, and don't even notice them at all. You never did. _

I smile up at her softly. She smiles lovingly back.

She sits down next to me and rests her head on my shoulder as my arm wraps around her.

* * *

**Everything above is obviously from Jasper's POV but it is all in language used by Jasper to reference himself. Alice's thoughts are her own, but you are getting them through the filter of Jasper's mind. He was simply telling you what he was getting from Alice the best he could. HE IS NOT TELLING ALICE WHAT SHE FEELS!**


	18. Where Am I?

**I don't own twilight, I just bring out their fun sides. **

**A/N Alright kids… my Beta picked up on this and I was even questioning it so I went back and checked it in my "Cowboy Songs, Jokes, Lingo n' Lore" book. (Yes the book really exists and yes I own it… I also own a sister book called "Rousing Songs and True Tales of the Civil War" which also came into play in this little shindig.) The word is **_**Techy**_**… you'll see it at the end. It's touchy on an extreme southern drawl.**

**Speaking of my Beta, she's awesome and she's a lean, mean fixin' all my spellin' errors machine. (Who knew it was so hard to spell Porsche) Everybody go give some love to the real teacher because she totally deserves it. Rock on!**

**Okay now on to some Jasper and Alice fun… he he!

* * *

**

I found a folded up piece of paper in my book one day. It was rather inconspicuous, so I almost missed it. The thing was covered in Alice's handwriting so of course it excited me. This is what it said…

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

**Jasper Hale Is **_**NOT**_** Allowed To:**

Download any more CD's from Amazon MP3 that have any relation to the Civil War… especially if they have the Gettysburg Address referenced, because they just piss you off.

Download $300 in music from Amazon MP3 and then NOT BACK IT UP! You may be immortal but your computer is NOT!

Make Alice dance to any song that was a "dance classic of the 1860's" – THAT JUST AIN'T HAPPENING COWBOY! I love you… but no!

Run up and down the stairs screaming "THE YANKEES ARE COMING! THE YANKIES ARE COMING!"

Call Carlisle "General Lee" when he acts overly serious. Saying "Yes Sir, Generally Lee, Sir!" just pisses him off!

Pretend the Porsche is THE General Lee. You will not hood slide on the hood of my Porsche mister – so help me God – if you plan on keeping Vlad where he is, you'll stop that shit right now!

Whistle Dixie instead of the Jeopardy song when I take forever in the dressing room.

Tell the story of the little boy you sent running past union soldiers screaming "Hurray for Jefferson Davis." No one cares that the union "prick" screamed "Hurray for the Devil" and only you find it funny that the kid was quick enough to respond "You hurray for your captain and I'll hurray for mine." Seriously hon, move on!

Call Edward a doodle when he does something stupid. It took him 20 years to look up the word and he really doesn't give a shit if you call him a Yankee so zip it already. You may also not call him a Little Coot for the same reason.

Refer to the American flag as "Old Gridiron" in public. The old people give you dirty looks and there was that lynch mob that one time…

Call Carlisle a "Quinine" or refer to his long term patients as members of the "Puny List."

Okay basically NO SOLDIER SLANG AT ALL… it pisses Alice off and that is never good.

Insist Esme install a flag pole so you can fly the confederate flag for the confederate independence day. No one appreciates that every hour you run to its base, salute and sing "God Save the South" at the top of your lungs. Any song that ends of the word "Death" is simply creepy and/or depressing.

Scream "Eat Paint Yankee Scum!" When firing at Edward or Carlisle during paintball games.

Make me come from across the room while we are watching movies with the family, and then look at me like I'm crazy and ask, "what's up with you darlin'?"

**Jasper Hale is **_**MOST DEFINITELY**_** allowed to: **

Call me "Techy as a Teased Snake" when I'm in a bad mood.

Refer to my driving the Porsche at full throttle as "Burnin' the Breeze."

Say "Burro Milk" instead of Bull Shit.

Refer to you taking me on a date as "Courtin'" or "Callin'."

Refer to large game as "Chuck."

Say you have "Cleaned his plow" when you beat Emmett at a wrestling match.

Put on your cowboy hat and refer to the thing as a "War Bonnet."

Refer to your sexily sharp teeth as "Eattin' Irons."

Okay let's cut to the chase I don't have a lot of time here… you should most definitely use all of the cowboy slang you remember… that right there is a panty dropper. (Hey do you have some kind of slang term for that too?)

Make me come every day. (Wait, you already do that. Keep up the good work cowboy!)

Use your sexy smile on me at all times.

Use that sexy, mischievous grin at any time the sexy smile would be inappropriate… you know the one I mean.

Grab my butt every time you hug me… another panty dropper.

Drive me around really fast in the speed boat when we are out at Isle Esme.

Play Speed-Boat-Jasper any time we are NOT at Isle Esme but in water. (accept the tub. See the next one.)

Make really hot love to me while we're in the tub. (God I love that tub.)

Use the dining room table for naughty purposes when we're the only ones home.

Make Edward and Emmett fall madly in love with each other… for my amusement.

Make me come from across the room with your fuck-tastic power.

Make me come while I'm in the shower and you are not… with your fuck-tastic power.

Wear your shit kickers.

Wear tight wranglers.

Wear aforementioned wranglers, COMANDO.

Let's be honest… go commando whenever.

Let me slide my hands inside the waist band of your jeans when I'm excited, so I can squeeze your butt so you feel the excitement too.

Let me touch your butt whenever I want.

Touch my butt whenever you want.

Let me jump on our bed.

Read me bedtime stories, even if I don't sleep.

Let me play with Vlad any time I want… which is always… if Rose and Emmett can do it in the girls bathroom SO CAN WE!!!!!

LOVE YOU JAZZ!

Alice

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I couldn't believe how much this honey-do and honey-don't list turned me on. Obviously there was a reason for her to leave it and I was pretty sure why she had.

Payback was most definitely in order.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I like Civil War music… it makes me feel young again!

Okay I didn't backup my music once… so blow me! ;)

Those are good songs… you always make me dance to your favorite songs, would it kill you to just go along with it once… I THINK NOT! Mostly because you are already dead.

I like running up and down the stairs screaming "THE YANKEES ARE COMING! THE YANKIES ARE COMING!" It's not hurting anybody and sometimes it makes me feel useful.

Okay I could layoff calling the old man General Lee.

Hey! YOU BE NICE TO VLAD! A wise person once said, "Don't punish the penis for what the dick did." (my point exactly) Fine, the Porsche is not the general lee… the vanquish is!

Sorry I don't know the Jeopardy song so you're stuck with Dixie.

Seriously… that story is FUNNY!

FINE! Can I call Edward a "Blue Belly"? It's the same thing… just in Cowboy language!

That lynch mob was scary… if only they knew what they were really chasin'.

Okay calling them members of the puny list is mean… but Carlisle is a "Quinine".

If Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy… and Alice is my hot mama! Check!

God save the South;  
God save the South;  
Her altars and firesides,  
God save the south!  
Now that the war is nigh.  
Now that we arm to die,  
Chanting our battle cry, Freedom or death!  
Chanting our battle cry, Freedom or death!

You know it's funny to call him Yankee Scum! Admit it! He likes it… that's how he knows I love him.

What's up with you coming in the middle of horror movies Alice? That's kinda weird. I love you anyway but I don't have to always understand you! ;)

As for that other list, if you can find me… I think I can handle all of that. ;) The question is…

Where am I?

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**Any guesses on where Jasper has gone off to? If you can find him (and you review)... he's all yours! ;)**


	19. therealteacher's interview with Jasper

**I don't own twilight or any of the characters within.**

**This was supposed to be an exercise in word use, so I asked my beta – therealteacher – what she would ask Jasper if she could interview him. It turned out the questions were so good that I ended up having him answer them properly and completely. We'll continue to look for questions that will work for the other purpose. _If you have any questions after this interview that were not covered that you would like Jasper to answer, please feel free to leave the question in your review or PM me. _

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**

**Therealteacher's interview with Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen

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**

_The ending of this interview was just too good to mess with, so it will end there but please remember to review. Jasper likes to know what you think of his thoughts.

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_

**Since you are the 'newest' and you aren't as comfortable around humans, are there any certain times that you feel because of others emotion you could just suck them dry and no one would care?**

Jessica Stanley

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**How often do you fuck with Emmett and his emotions?**

Daily

* * *

**What is the best emotion altering shit you have ever pulled on Emmett? Alice? Carlisle? Esme?--the whole family?**

Let's see. Emmett likes to wrestle, and he wins most of the time because he's the strongest. Now if he gets into it with Edward or my beautiful wife, he stands no chance become of their gifts. Once he got into it with Alice and accused her of cheating. He wouldn't let up on it and I started getting upset. I don't like for people to talk to my Alice that way, so I told him to stop. When he didn't I told him he would be sorry. He started getting into it with me so I told him for the next month, not a moment would pass that he wouldn't think of me. He laughed and went on his way. He went to have some marital time with Rose, so I made him start crying. She freaked. He was so upset he couldn't even bother to get me back. He apologized to me but I didn't accept because he refused to apologize for calling Alice a cheater. So every time he needed some marital time with Rose, I made him cry – for a month strait. When he sat in class and a teacher would get really upset at the class, I would make him burst out laughing. Any time he made a lewd comment at the lunch table, I would make him have an orgasm so powerful he couldn't help but scream, in front of the entire school. Anytime Carlisle addressed him I made him feel insecure and he ended up sucking his thumb and curling up in Esme's lap. Even I couldn't have guessed the impact of that one. Then when I got bored I made him fall in love with Edward. He actually sat with Edward at the piano one day and flirted with him for about 20 minutes before Edward pushed him to the floor. He went to Rose for his bruised ego and as usual it turned intimate, so he started crying. He was so randomly emotional that month. It was so strange. I asked him several times if he thought he might be pregnant. Once I even pulled him aside and told him that we would care for his little one and no one would have to know. Then I made him break down into tears again. By the end of the month, all I had to do was say his name, and he would do whatever I asked.

Alice is an easy one. The best thing I have ever done to her – and I continue to do it – is when she is upset, I use my powers to give her an orgasm, usually a really hard earth shattering one. When we get bored sitting in class, I take her hand so I can make sure to just concentrate it on her and I give her the softest of orgasms, just to entertain her and make sure she knows I love her in my own special way. Usually these are expressed by the softest of angelic sighs from my beautiful Alice. There are still teachers who think she is just absolutely touched by really bad poetry they've written or other random things. I like driving with Alice. When I drive, I feel free and I can just floor it and go. I want her to gain the same pleasure from my driving as I do. So as the speedometer moves to the right, as the car accelerates, her orgasm builds and builds. As the car reaches its top speed, well let's just say she usually doesn't remember much about the songs I like to drive to. With her I have actually perfected what I like to call the touch orgasm. Our family seems to think my touch still makes her tremble from the sheer power of our love for one another. While that is true, that sure as hell is NOT what they are seeing. I have gotten it down to a science. All I have to do is brush my fingers along her shoulder, or take her hand in mine, even when I lean in to kiss her I give her just the softest of orgasms in just that instant.

Carlisle, that's a hard one. I respect Carlisle. Hands down he is the man I respect most in this world. I respect the man that he is, the husband he is. The friend and lover he is to Esme, is simply inspiring. The way he leads and cares for this family is amazing. Because of these things I try NOT to mess with him emotions unless it's absolutely necessary. However, women being women, sometimes Esme is upset with him and he has no clue why. I can't begin tell him why. Alice knows but would never tell him. She would never tell me because she knows I would just tell him. So usually I just give him a little boost in the romance department. He usually has no problems saying just the right words to bring them back together, exactly where they should be.

My dear Mother Esme, I love and cherish her like I love the woman who gave birth to me. I find it hard to live with myself if I alter her emotions, so I don't. What I do give to Esme that alters her emotions isn't my power causing her emotional shift directly. Esme always wants to understand all of us, what makes us tick and what is going to make us all feel loved and part of the family. She has spent a considerable amount of time just playing with Emmett or shopping with Alice. She sits with Edward at the piano. She talks with Rose. Edward isn't much of a talker so most of his communication is through his music. I knew I could do one better than that. When Esme comes to spend time with me she plans that we are the only two at home. She knows it takes a lot out of me and that I don't do what I do lightly. She knows it's hard for me. Usually she just sits on the couch next to me, or if I'm spread out on the couch she'll sit with my feet or my head in her lap. What I do for Esme is almost the inverse of what I do to/for the others. I just open my emotions to her. She and Alice are the only two people who have experienced the full force of my true emotions, how I feel and not some mask of what I want others to feel. It's the easiest way for her to know every part of who I am. Talking is hard for me. Showing her, that's second nature to me.

Edward, well I make him love himself. He usually hates it – a lot. But he's a better guy for it in the end. One day I won't have to, but until then, I facilitate his self-love.

Bella has a similar problem to Edward. I agree with him that she does not see herself clearly. I usually use my powers to make her feel loved and accepted in our family. No matter how long she has been in our family, she still has her doubts at times, so I just give her little reminders.

Rose is a very fine line. You can have her full appreciation one minute and have her ire the next. So I tend not to mess with her. I choose to mess with her through Emmett.

* * *

**How do you handle being around the Denali's?--Stupid whores!**

My thoughts exactly. Tanya constantly makes passes at Edward, even with Bella around. And that is just one of them. I try NOT to handle them at all. I use my time in Alaska to play with my favorite snow bunny, Alice. I can usually find things to do in the wilds of Alaska that keep us pretty well sequestered.

* * *

**What were the emotions you were feeling the very first time you saw Alice...yes we know you felt lost and unsure, but knew that you had to be there, but was it love at first sight, bewilderment, etc?**

I felt a lot of things. The dominant emotions were a sense of being lost and fear. For a century I was never approached by another vampire for any reason than that vampire wanted to kill me. I was thirsty as hell and scared shitless. But at the same time I had this really odd feeling of wanting, no needing to protect the magnificent creature in front of me. As soon as her palm touched mine I was a goner. For the first time in my vampire existence I felt love. Of course I knew the feeling from my parents and sisters but emotions became so much more powerful after my change. I didn't even recognize it at first. I had the slightest shock of pain as I realized I didn't recognize the emotion of love. It's such an important emotion. I think that is why no matter how upset she may be at me for one reason or another, Alice always makes sure I feel love from her every day. In that first moment it was so powerful I nearly fell on my ass. Then she smiled at me and I got a whole new sensation, but it was one I _had_ experienced in my vampire existence, but it was never linked with love or even pleasure so I didn't know how to comprehend it. I never felt this particular feeling as a human. I was never really attracted to anyone and I never had the opportunity to be touched. I understand it _MUCH_ better now. When she smiled at me that first time, I nearly came in my pants. I think she knew it too because almost instantly her beautiful smile turned to an impish grin. She must have known more than that because she nearly scared the shit out of me when she mentioned the feeling I was struggling with and told me she wanted to show me something about it. An hour after I met her, she made me come kicking and screaming. I felt all of her love with it so I was so confused and truly scared. I didn't understand it. Being the first time that particular physical sensation was linked to something not only positive but loving, it felt - well I literally screamed.

* * *

**How would you describe in color...the emotions of your love for Alice and vice versa, since you can feel her emotions.....what about your family's emotions for each other/ You know......in color meaning images and colors, descriptions other than words (nothing like breathtaking, or warm, special, etc.)**

For Alice and I, well I guess it would be blue on both accounts. A deep, warm shade of blue that envelopes you and makes you feel calm. I think we share a color.

For Carlisle it's, oddly enough, brown. It's warm, and strong. Like him. It lets in most of the colors. It's like his color is effected by the fact that he has brought us all together. All of the couples' colors mix with his and turn it brown. It stays away from black because Esme's is the most prevalent color, and hears is a warm but bright, all encompassing golden color. It's impossible not to feel loved around Esme. She's just so loving.

Emmett's color changes, he's an odd one. It shifts between a bright red to a deep and passionate blue to a fiery red. Rose, well, oddly enough she has the perfect name. Most people expect that her color would be cold but it's not. Her color is the deep, passionate shade of a red rose. It's just hard to see the color sometimes, sometimes I feel her in black and white like an old movie.

Bella is a deep shade of green. Not an envy type of green but more of the color that comes to my mind when I hear Carlisle telling Bella about the color of Edward's eyes when he was human. Edward is really made for Bella. The second I saw them together I knew. She was this deep green that matched his eyes. He turned out to be a pale blue that almost matched her human complexion. On top of that it is usually mixed with a deep sultry, almost black navy blue that seems to reflect the way he is so passionate and deeply ingrained with Bella, down to his soul.

* * *

**How good does it feel to sex others up using your powers?**

It depends on the person.

If it's one of my brothers, it is total payback. I feel smug that they can't control something they often control quite readily with your wives.

If it's Alice, well it still depends. When we watch horror movies she cuddles into my side. I make sure that my hands are in plain view and then I make her come. Not hard, just enough that her breathing is too fast and she might let out a moan or two. That is my southern boy roots with the desire to get into a little mischief. When I do it because she is upset or hurting it's one way I feel useful. My arms hold her, so they make me feel useful. When her emotions stop getting better from that, my power becomes useful. If I am the reason she's hurting or upset it's a very effective way to apologize. She knows it turns me on to do, any time, because I have to focus on pleasuring her. She knows that I will willingly make her come several times without even thinking about touching myself to ease the pain in my dick. After that she can't help but forgive me and take the pain away herself. When we're in class, well it's just to pass the time and I LOVE to make her come. I love the way she looks and the way she smells. When she comes it's like her soul commands my attention. Nothing else exists, especially not the boredom. Sometimes I do it because I'm in trouble, well than its self preservation. I don't like to be in trouble, especially with her. It's my best bet to get out of the dog house and back into her good graces. When I use it because we are being intimate it makes me feel like the most powerful man on earth, which she commonly claims that to her I am. No matter what the reason I do it, it always makes me feel that if nothing else, I am doing this one thing right.

No matter whom I'm doing it to, in the end I can't help but be affected by it too. So there is always the underlying current of sexual desire and need. One way or another, Alice always makes sure that that desire and need gets fulfilled, at some point. She's learned how to manipulate my power, but it's a less exact method. Let's just say when it comes to her peaceful classroom orgasms, even though she enjoys them immensely, payback is a bitch!

To answer how GOOD it feels, well, with my brothers it's payback they can't control or stop so it feels awesome and strangely funny. With Alice it makes me feel like the center of her universe, which makes me feel loved and important.

* * *

**Can you make me come with just your powers alone?**

Come here…


End file.
